Alex Manley asked us the difference between porn sex and real world sex.  What a great topic, right?  You can see the full article on Ask Men

Can you think of 2-3 examples of things that feel noticeably different between porn sex and real-life sex, and describe the difference as you see it? E.g. lighting, duration, foreplay, ejaculations, seduction, positions, violence, lubrication, laughter, discussion, body types, pubic hair, condoms, etc. 


The biggest difference between a lot of porn sex and real-life sex is that so much “porn sex” lacks any indication of true intimacy. There’s not much laughter, or meaningful eye contact, seduction or foreplay. Once the lead-up to the sex in a scene is over, it’s basically straight to what feels very formulaic. I also think it’s unlikely in real-life sex that well over half of all male-female heterosexual encounters end with a man (or several men) ejaculating on a woman’s face. This, however, is my personal opinion.

Things like body types and pubic hair (or lack thereof) are about the personal preferences of the performer and the viewer. I’m not here to tell people what’s right or wrong in a sexual context, or to dictate fantasies to them.

As for ‘violence’ in porn, I have no issue with depictions of rough sex or BDSM. The key is the director, performers and everyone else involved in producing a movie or scene must be on the same page – and the performers need to have the final say on the sex acts involved and the boundaries in place. There must be explicit negotiation and agreement in advance of filming, as well as a clear rule that the performer(s) can change their minds at any point in the process and call a stop to filming. And that rule shouldn’t be in place just for sex acts that are considered rough or violent; it should be a blanket rule that covers every aspect of their performance. My husband owns Wasteland.com which is a BDSM site. BDSM is one of the most misunderstood genres. If only “civilians” (general public) realized the amount of negotiation that goes into every scene.





There are other things, of course – like some of the more acrobatic sex acts and sexual positions. The important thing to remember is the people performing these acts are professionals, they know what they are doing.





I thought it might be helpful to give you a breakdown. This is strictly my observation and is not a good porn / bad porn scenario.

I do not consider myself a “mainstream” pornographer, so things like formulaic sex, opening up to the camera, etc do not necessarily apply to my movies. As a filmmaker, I try to focus on telling a story and sex is a part of that story. It’s used to show connection, build tension between characters and move the narrative along. We strive to make sex as natural and real as possible.

1. Lighting is often stark in porn scenes. There’s very little “mood lighting” during sex scenes. This is because porn producers want the viewer to be able to see all the action and not have anything obscured by shadows or low lighting. In real life, we generally like to have some kind of ambiance, because we’re not worried about whether people can see what we’re doing.

2. In real life we don’t “open up for the camera.” In porn, though, we angle our bodies toward the camera so that it can capture the “action.” This is why in porn you don’t see super intimate body language and the two people enveloping each other in an embrace during intercourse -- it would obscure “the hardcore shot.” Men tend to put their hands behind their back during doggy style or blow jobs, rather than touch their partner. You see a lot of reverse-cowgirl in porn scenes because it’s such a great shot for the cameraperson in the sense that you can see the girl’s nude body and the “hardcore shot” when in real life you might not want to do reverse cowgirl quite so much. Another example of the “camera” and the viewer being the first consideration in porn sex, when in real life hopefully the couple are simply focused on each other.

3. Sex scenes in porn tend to be longer than in real life but often the couple just seem to be going down a checklist of positions, with no breaks in between for talking or additional foreplay between positions. In real life, we tend to stay in the positions we enjoy longer, sometimes for the entire sexual encounter. In porn, the directors are trying to get a certain number of minutes per position, because they want to cover all the bases for the viewer.

4. There tends to be more “violence” or rough scenes in porn than there are in real life sexual encounters. First of all, in cases of ethical studios, sex performers are professionals who have consented to such scenes and enjoy doing them, and they are able to perform such scenes safely. Porn performers are sexual athletes, and they have experience and skill with certain types of sex acts that most people out there have never tried, and shouldn’t try unless they’ve been taught by a skilled professional. This is especially true of things like choking. Otherwise, rough scenes are often depicted for the same reason you see a lot of violence in movies: viewers like to see something intense, rough, raw, and outside of their everyday experience. Also, roughness can be a substitute for passion which is actually much more difficult to capture on a porn set!

5. As for lubrication, some producers make it a point to show lube being applied, while others cut it out. Porn is fantasy, and the viewer wants to believe that performers are naturally turned on and “wet” during the scene, and often seeing the application of lube is an “interruption” of the sense of urgency between the two performers. Some see introducing a bottle of lube as breaking the fourth wall; others view it as important to show, for realism and for political reasons, to remind viewers that it’s important to make sure your partner is well lubricated before penetration.

What I’ve learned over the years is that you can never assume that just because something doesn’t appeal to you, that means it doesn’t appeal to anybody else, either. So, while I stand by what I’ve said about differences between porn sex and real sex, that doesn’t mean there’s no such thing as couples and partners who enjoy some of the sex acts, positions, etc. that other people might find unrealistic. It’s important to remember that porn is fantasy. It’s not sex education and it shouldn’t be used or viewed as such.

What, if anything, is the thing you find most noteworthy about the difference between porn and sex? I.e. does anything in porn feel outrageously unrealistic to you/does anything in sex feel outrageously unsexy/unfilmable?




I think in many cases, the lead-up to sex gives the porn viewer unrealistic expectations on how fast a plumber shows up. In all seriousness, I feel as if this was answered above.

Do you think porn watchers (and young people in particular) might see porn and think that’s what sex is supposed to be, rather than a version of sex specifically designed to titillate in a visual medium/make money/etc.? If so, does that concern you? Can you think of any ways to impact that dynamic?


I’m sure some porn watchers do look at porn like it’s an instructional video, which is part of why I understand the concerns people have about the easy and free access to online pornography. Trust me when I tell you that free access to porn, especially by minors, wasn’t what any of us in the industry had in mind when we first started launching adult sites. Easy access means easy piracy, too – and there’s precious little money to be made by someone else giving away to consumers a video they stole from you in the first place.

Sadly, I think the free online porn genie is out of the bottle – and it’s not about to be stuffed back in any time soon. Given that fact, I’d say the best approach is to make sure we teach young people from a very tender age to understand that the sex they see in videos is not something they should try to copy. We need to teach them about consent, communication, and acceptance. We need to provide top-notch sex education. Adult movies were never meant to do that.

As I said earlier, porn is fantasy. If we teach young people nothing else about porn, what we should teach them is it’s not meant to be a how-to guide. Most young people seem to understand that they shouldn’t drive the way the characters in the Fast and Furious franchise do and understand that what they’re seeing in movies like that isn’t real. We need to make sure they receive the same message about porn and sex.





Put simply, porn is entertainment, not education. As entertainment, it’s not going to include a lot of the things that are present in real-life sex. The bigger challenge might be getting enough adults to agree that this lesson needs to be taught, rather than getting young people to hear the message.

Is there a particular aspect of real-life sex that you’d like to see more of in porn? Or a particular aspect of porn sex you’d like to see more of in real life?

It sounds like I’m being very critical and negative here; I want to be totally clear: I don’t think there’s anything wrong with porn that depicts the sort of things I’ve called out. I’d just like to see more balance in the market and diversity – more inclusiveness. Porn that would appeal to all the various audiences that have been underserved by the adult industry, traditionally. I think we all need to do more to make sure young people understand the difference between porn and fantasy on the one hand, and real sex and intimacy on the other.